Last Summer: Verse 1

I've been putting together this next mixtape (Invincible Tomorrow), and I wrote a song entitled "Last Summer", which tackles the idea of fading love, loss of chemistry, and the hurt associated with both. It's a very near and dear song to me, written from the heart, written from experience, and tonight made me decide to throw up just the first verse from the song along with a line from the chorus that hits home with me. I'm going to write a poem along with the song to accompany it, kind of like an epilogue for the song. I hope you enjoy. The mixtape is in the working stages.

Last Summer: Verse 1

When I left I told her I had the mind of an elephant...like, I'll never forget her

And I'll be back in the nearest December

Things'll be like old times, before I left back in August

You'll always have my heart regardless...

She told me "Saz, you gon' change on me"

I told her "never, I'll always be the same only...

if you keep in touch with me

still fuck with me

and I promise we gon' re-up

and heat up...

the world"

you're the girl of my dreams

but they say you forget your dreams 5 seconds after waking up.

So was this past summer

just a long slumber?

Am I doomed to forget what we had in the past

no looking back?

or can I defy the stencil

you're essential for me to keep keeping

I'ma weakling

Without the memories of our lustful evenings

Believe me, I ain't sure if it's without a choice

Could this...inevitability be up for debate

I'm such a mistake

You fuckin' with a guy with a fickle mind.

Well, not fickle...

maybe secular

A man of the world

My memory lapse is gon' damage this girl.

~"I'll never forget the last summer, that was the summer for us..."~

Unreleased Saz.E Material

http://hulkshare.com/n7r4biiem3x7 - "Instant Replay"

http://hulkshare.com/bq8duf7f7je5 - "Popular Demand" 16 Bars

http://hulkshare.com/5fzy4ov9f6n8 - "My Way Home"

http://hulkshare.com/1vaqsmpiua9i - "Mo Money, Mo Murder"

http://hulkshare.com/2xp3cp33p867 - "Inkredible"

"Re-locating Will Allow Me a Fresh Slate"

Sometimes I actually reflect on my own lyrics. I think back to the moments when I wrote them and what I was feeling while writing. It's always interesting when new events happen that bring new light to lyrics I wrote months ago, making them relevant again, possibly even more relevant than ever before. "I would like to apologize...do every female I ever hurt/I didn't mean to be a jerk/and some say I need church" - Letter of Intent. These lyrics stand out to me now. [Sidebar-her last words to me were "I shouldn't have texted you lately, I played myself, please don't text me"] When questions about my treatment of the women in my life come up and questions about my spirituality arise, the above stated lines play across my mind like messages on sports blimps.

I came up with a theory the other day, a philosophy [Sidebar-I'll be majoring in the course this fall]. In an attempt to define what a "bad guy" is, or villain, jerk, etc. First, we must disregard the obvious, I.E. legal, societal precedents, those are always in play, but everything other than that is gray area. And this is where things get interesting:

"A man will be considered a "bad" or "villainous" or a "whatever-adjective-meaning-bad-person" person when what he does does not fall in line with the accuser's own personal interest and motives."

One can compare this to something along the lines of "one man's trash is another man's treasure".

The problem is that people must learn to remove themselves from the situation and look at it from almost a third party perspective, and see things for how concrete they are as well as from the other person's view point. It is only then that a rational decision and state of mood can be created.

In a month's time I'll be long gone, forgotten by some, some will want to forget me, some will try to never forget me, but I will be out of sight. Distance will provide a "fresh slate" for me, and wash away what others will dub my "bad deeds" or "grimy actions". But distance will also provide time and mind for reflection, possibly thinking back and altering opinions.

"Always apologize for hurting someone's feelings, but only apologize for your actions if you mean it"

Regardless of what lifestyle you lead, and actions you make, you WILL anger someone. So we must all prepare ourselves for enemies, opponents, and angry persons. Its a part of life.

Lets make this hip-hop thing happen bee-tee-dub. =] But um...

..."I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name"
- from the song "Boston" by Augustana

Thank you, Mom. =]

It's Mother's Day. Yaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!


On this Mother's Day I would like to thank my mother...for ruining my relationships with any women that I will ever come into contact with in my natural life. It is because of you that I walk into any relationship with the opposite sex automatically not trusting them. I want to trust you, ladies, but that's easier said than done.
I also seldom take the words "I love you" seriously (Thanks to mommy dearest). How honest are you really being when you say that shit to me. Oh, and mom, it's because of you that I feel nice guys will always finish last, he who bends over backwards to make his woman happy is doomed to failure and desertion. Nice guys get taken advantage of and left. This forces us to act accordingly. Thank you, mom for teaching me this lesson.
I never shed tears for anyone, and I haven't in a long time. Thanks, mom for showing me that tears are worthless, they only expose your vulnerability. Back during those days when I cried for you to come back home and talk to me about whats going on and fucking be with your son...you didn't. You were able to listen on the other end of that phone line and listen to your youngest son cry and not respond how a real mother should.
Thank you, mom for ruining my family. Thank you, mom for aiding in the development of my now jaded, semi-cynical, and sometimes bitter, cold, and "heartless" personality. Thanks. You are truly a pillar of modern maternity....

Some Pics From The Photo Shoot With A-Photos

The Season Finale

I've always chose to think of my life as a sitcom. I find that it passes the days easier, and in a more entertaining manner. If one looks at the basic framework of a sitcom, you of course have characters, they are essential. Now...if one follows television, you'll notice sometimes characters don't return for the next season. Whether or not they're killed off, or they just so happen to move to Seattle or something like that, they are no longer part of that main characters life or the show period. They'll get their own spin off somewhere. Lol. But since I look at my life in this manner, I have to understand that some characters feel the need to leave my show. They have bigger and better things they want to pursue. Perhaps they want to move to films, or a more promising network. Who am I, as the creator, director, and producer as well, to stop them from doing what they feel is "better"? Not my place at all.

You can lay the facts out on the table, clearly in the contract, but if they don't want to sign for season 5 then you have to respect their decisions. Will it hurt the show's ratings? Only time will tell. Will the other cast and crew members recover well? Only time will tell. As the show's creator, I can only wish them and myself good luck and good night.

I cannot see the future. Sometimes shows have reunion specials...

Self-Made Microscope (Imperfections) - Saz.E

New Shit from Saz.E!! The track discusses insecurities and self-consciousness. Check it out. Recorded it at Phenom's stu'. Good shit, but yea, comment this post with your opinions. Feel free to download.

http://www.zshare.net/audio/7200637799d046d4/

Your Heart's Not In It Vs. Necessary Pain

I'm constantly confused with everything. There are times where I don't want to do certain things but I think to myself "should I even bother doing it?" I'm not referring to things such as whether or not I should do math homework or shit of that nature, I know the obvious fruits of that, but more so music. I have moments where I really don't feel like writing, or recording, or even thinking about music period. So should I just say fuck it? I'm always told never do something if you're heart's not it in.
But in theory, if one's heart is in it would they ever NOT have a desire to do the particular craft? This is where I am confused, people. Should Saz give up? But when I even flirt with the idea, I say "hell no" or "I need this music shit". So why would I be in modes where I don't want to fuck with the pen or pad? Should I just push through that shit to keep my skills sharp?

hAhA, A lot of questions, eh? But anyway, with all that said, I try to look at the diamond in terms of how I live my life. The diamond is one of the most beautiful gems on earth. The rocks in your earring, bracelet, necklace, etc, must be refined before they are top notch. They have to be sliced, diced, cut, roughly polished and everything before they are at they're best. Perhaps the same can be said for people.

Maybe niggas have to put themselves through them hard times to get better at what they do. Music is hard at times, I'm often sick of this shit, often thinking I'm not good enough to get on and all. Think about it, some niggas get on, but not ON like I plan to. Despite those thoughts, writers block, spouts of no-ambition, and so on and so forth. I'll keep it at it. Pray for me.

Batteling My Own Ego

Alright, many people have an ugly little thing called an ego, pride and such. Now...take that a step further, when you have a talent for something your ego gets elevated; you end up having spouts of cockiness, maybe not intentional but it happens. Now my thing is this, I've always tried to be humble as can be...but these past couple of days have had me really talking my shit. Lol. Not so much to other people, but to myself...if that makes sense. I'll write some shit that I'm thinking is hot and I'll pop up and proclaim it to my air space. I guess it's like a quiet cockiness.
But..many a time I've caught myself almost saying it aloud to people! That contradicts what I aim for. So why am I suddenly feeling this need to say I'm good? Even writing this I feel arrogant, but I'm not though, or am I? Nah, I can't be. And in the event I was cocky how would I deflate that? Is that possible? Or would I just have to mask it? So many questions...so many ambiguous answers.

College Anxiety

I'm seldom ever the one to give off the vibe of stress, concern or insecurity but I can't lie to ya'll or myself; this college shit has me a little nervous. For one I've been slacking my ass off in terms of filling out apps, getting letters of recommendations and doing the damn essays. That's one issue, on top of that I'm a little apprehensive towards my chances of getting into the schools on my list.
For Christ's sake, they're ALL TOP SCHOOLS
I mean...I have some good stuff that backs and beefs up my Apps but there's still that feeling of "maybe I'm not good enough" I've beaten tough odds before but this is a whole nother beast, you feel me? I'm usually a confident chap but this shit got ME doubting MYSELF. I'm use to others doubtin' me, this is new. Hell, I almost forgot about this second shot at the SATs on the 7th of Nov. I guess all I can do is hit that submit button and hope for the best...

1st Day of School

I'm feeling like it's going to be another school year full of emotional ups and downs. Much like my relation to romance, school provides a bit of an emotional roller coaster (for lack of a less cliche term). It seems like environment and the people your surrounded by plunges you into several different modes of thought and emotional manifestation. Or is it just me? Even while composing this I'm feeling like I can't justly express what I'm truly feeling. I'm usually good with words but when it comes to this...I'm having some trouble.

Whatever, first day of school done. Day 2, where you at?

The Little Black Boxx Update

Mannn....things are really moving on this tape. So far I've got like 9 or so tracks that I am legit happy with. It can be stressful at times but I'm looking forward to the tape coming. In addition to my work on that, I'm doing some tracks with my guys and shit. Some shit for Yung Ty, dropped a freestyle with S.G Yung and Ty. Just enjoying the studio.

"Saz.E Presents...The Little Black Boxx"

For those of you that do not know, I'm working on a mixtape titled "Saz.E Presents...The Little Black Boxx". It's hosted by DJ FreeEz. I'm hoping to start work on it once I get back to Jersey. And ACTUALLY finish it. I'll hit up Hogwartz and hopefully do my thing. Right now I'm sitting on a 17 track tape. I got J-Skillz on there, Lil' Z, Yung Na, Crisis, FreeEz may drop a verse, Chaz Phenom is on there. And....that's where we are right now in terms of features. Part of me wants to throw some kind of girl on there, but I don't know in what capacity. Lol.
Anyway, I got a good selection of beats on it. I broke it down into chapters. The first chapter is me just getting my rapping on, demonstrating where the skills is at. Chapter two has me talking about women/relationships/and socializing. This is the more conceptual portion of the "boxx". Chapter three is short, just me flowing over some old school beats (got a song about Franklin on there. =]) And the last chapter is me offering more introspective thoughts, and deeper thoughts on whatever else. It appears to be the deeper sect of the "boxx"
I'm still thinking whether or not to throw some of my more known joints on there (Brunette Devil and Mad Man's Dream). Ain't sure. But...yea, look out for it, hopefull I pull through. I'll keep ya'll posted on whatever. IIght. Bye-bye

~Saz~~~

Music.

Cut, dry and simple: Not everybody cares about it like I do. Especially my music.

I guess I always had some kind of warped notion that most people close to me harbored a certain level of care and concern for my craft, but I'm wrong, you know? I have this annoying little habit of calling people up and saying "I got new raps, want to hear them?" As if they REALLY give a fuck. They say "yea" or whatever, I rap, they say something along the lines of "good one" or "nice" things of that nature but I'm slowly learning...it's likely that more often than not they probably don't care.
So why the fuck do I call? Like, I'm being somewhat selfish to waist these people's time, right? I guess it gives me opportunity to practice and slowly memorize the verses. But maybe my ego makes me call as well. Maybe subconsciously I'm calling because I want to hear something along the lines of "wow, that was amazing" or "you ARE the next big thing". That'd be egotistic though, so I can't be aware of that. But we can address my alleged ego in a different session.
So bottom line, I'm only going to call and rap to some folks because really.....most niggas don't give a fuck about anything I do rap wise, nothing will matter until I'm on and shit, I guess. For obvious reasons. THIS IS NOT A SHOT AT ANYONE!! I'm just speaking my peace. It ain't ya'll fault, it's mine, I had the wrong idea is all. Peace!

Performance at Sander's Theatre

Musical Depression

Today I was bummed out on some shit. I had to take a nap and everything. Sucks when you're down and you feel like there's no immediate thing you can do to revert it. Y'all might think of me as a big baby and shit but...my music got me down today. I was slouched in my chair looking at the door like... "am I EVER going to blow?" I start thinking about the little shit, like...choruses, hooks, and vocal presentation. It drives me mad! Then I start thinking about what beats I like. Do I even know? and if so will other's like 'em? Should I even care about what other's think? Logically I should, since they would be the one's buying my shit. But then you don't want to cross that fine line between versatiliy and conformity, between being well rounded and sacrificing artistic integrity.

I wrestled with these thoughts for a good half hour, and then eventually it exhausted me to the point where I said "fuck it, I'ma go lie down". I was lieing there looking at the cieling and just slipping deeper and deeper into "madness" due to my thoughts and thoughts of my thoughts. I felt heavy till eventually...I fell asleep. I woke up still bummed out till I ate something.

Came back to the room like.."Fuck what I was thinking earlier, let me not worry about all that right now, let me just concentrate on trying my best, I'm alright" I felt good and shit, but occasionally...them feelings come up.

Don't sue me for having musical insecurities.

So...I am nuts. =]

My girlfriend thinks I'm a lunatic. She thinks I have multiple personalities. I think she's right, actually. Lol. It's like I have multiple characters sharing a home in my one brain and they sometimes make their appearance in a tourettes-like fashion.
For starters!: there's the overtly ignorant thug, there's the really flamboyantly gay guy, there's the adolescent teenage girl and there's the silently aggressive psychopath, just to name a few, and supplemented Joker impersonations follow suit.
So, I ask myself if I have control over this. I'm often asked to stop but it seems like I can't. It scares me a little bit, now that I think about it...
Am I ok? Oh well! Being a weird ass, multi-personalitied person is what makes me me. =] Irony.

So-called relationships =]

How can one judge a so-called "good" or "strong" relationship. Some people base it purely off of the numbers. That doesn't necessarily prove anything. Two people can stay together
despite hating each other. Correct? I think it's a combination. That couple that argues one minute but gets right back to boo loving? They shows relationship strength. Me and my girl fight from time to time, often over dumb shit, but within a few hours things are all good again. I love this. It gives me a certain feeling of confidence in us. We been going at it for about 9 months now and...it still seems like things are mad fresh. There are never any stale moments between us.
On some real shit, it seems too...fanciful to be happening. It's because of this apparent bliss I can say our relationship is a good one. And because of our "fight-makeup" capabilities I dub us a strong couple as well. So what more could you ask for? I'm not writing this to be all mushy or some shit, I'm just throwing out some real thoughts. I feel like she holds me
down. (Positive thing. Lol.)
My relationships that have been "successful" to some degree all had one common thread. I felt as if I had a real home base within the girl, I could go to bed sure that my significant other was out there in her crib harboring deep love for me. With Miss J. I get that and then some.

She often questions if I'm in love with her. It's understandable, I guess, because it's a term so loosely thrown around now a days. My thing is this, the feeling of "being in love" is exactly what it is, a feeling. I can't describe it to you, baby. I just feel it. If I'm not believed it's cool, I guess.
Iight, I'ma leave it riiiiiiight...there. =]
~Saz.E~

I Wish I Had an Album Coming. Lol

If all goes well and my first album is titled Underneath the (insert color) Umbrella wouldn't this be perfect promo for it?! Lol.

Harvard Experience Day 3:

Just some videos from my open mic performance. =]