Batteling My Own Ego

Alright, many people have an ugly little thing called an ego, pride and such. Now...take that a step further, when you have a talent for something your ego gets elevated; you end up having spouts of cockiness, maybe not intentional but it happens. Now my thing is this, I've always tried to be humble as can be...but these past couple of days have had me really talking my shit. Lol. Not so much to other people, but to myself...if that makes sense. I'll write some shit that I'm thinking is hot and I'll pop up and proclaim it to my air space. I guess it's like a quiet cockiness.
But..many a time I've caught myself almost saying it aloud to people! That contradicts what I aim for. So why am I suddenly feeling this need to say I'm good? Even writing this I feel arrogant, but I'm not though, or am I? Nah, I can't be. And in the event I was cocky how would I deflate that? Is that possible? Or would I just have to mask it? So many questions...so many ambiguous answers.

College Anxiety

I'm seldom ever the one to give off the vibe of stress, concern or insecurity but I can't lie to ya'll or myself; this college shit has me a little nervous. For one I've been slacking my ass off in terms of filling out apps, getting letters of recommendations and doing the damn essays. That's one issue, on top of that I'm a little apprehensive towards my chances of getting into the schools on my list.
For Christ's sake, they're ALL TOP SCHOOLS
I mean...I have some good stuff that backs and beefs up my Apps but there's still that feeling of "maybe I'm not good enough" I've beaten tough odds before but this is a whole nother beast, you feel me? I'm usually a confident chap but this shit got ME doubting MYSELF. I'm use to others doubtin' me, this is new. Hell, I almost forgot about this second shot at the SATs on the 7th of Nov. I guess all I can do is hit that submit button and hope for the best...

1st Day of School

I'm feeling like it's going to be another school year full of emotional ups and downs. Much like my relation to romance, school provides a bit of an emotional roller coaster (for lack of a less cliche term). It seems like environment and the people your surrounded by plunges you into several different modes of thought and emotional manifestation. Or is it just me? Even while composing this I'm feeling like I can't justly express what I'm truly feeling. I'm usually good with words but when it comes to this...I'm having some trouble.

Whatever, first day of school done. Day 2, where you at?

The Little Black Boxx Update

Mannn....things are really moving on this tape. So far I've got like 9 or so tracks that I am legit happy with. It can be stressful at times but I'm looking forward to the tape coming. In addition to my work on that, I'm doing some tracks with my guys and shit. Some shit for Yung Ty, dropped a freestyle with S.G Yung and Ty. Just enjoying the studio.

"Saz.E Presents...The Little Black Boxx"

For those of you that do not know, I'm working on a mixtape titled "Saz.E Presents...The Little Black Boxx". It's hosted by DJ FreeEz. I'm hoping to start work on it once I get back to Jersey. And ACTUALLY finish it. I'll hit up Hogwartz and hopefully do my thing. Right now I'm sitting on a 17 track tape. I got J-Skillz on there, Lil' Z, Yung Na, Crisis, FreeEz may drop a verse, Chaz Phenom is on there. And....that's where we are right now in terms of features. Part of me wants to throw some kind of girl on there, but I don't know in what capacity. Lol.
Anyway, I got a good selection of beats on it. I broke it down into chapters. The first chapter is me just getting my rapping on, demonstrating where the skills is at. Chapter two has me talking about women/relationships/and socializing. This is the more conceptual portion of the "boxx". Chapter three is short, just me flowing over some old school beats (got a song about Franklin on there. =]) And the last chapter is me offering more introspective thoughts, and deeper thoughts on whatever else. It appears to be the deeper sect of the "boxx"
I'm still thinking whether or not to throw some of my more known joints on there (Brunette Devil and Mad Man's Dream). Ain't sure. But...yea, look out for it, hopefull I pull through. I'll keep ya'll posted on whatever. IIght. Bye-bye

~Saz~~~

Music.

Cut, dry and simple: Not everybody cares about it like I do. Especially my music.

I guess I always had some kind of warped notion that most people close to me harbored a certain level of care and concern for my craft, but I'm wrong, you know? I have this annoying little habit of calling people up and saying "I got new raps, want to hear them?" As if they REALLY give a fuck. They say "yea" or whatever, I rap, they say something along the lines of "good one" or "nice" things of that nature but I'm slowly learning...it's likely that more often than not they probably don't care.
So why the fuck do I call? Like, I'm being somewhat selfish to waist these people's time, right? I guess it gives me opportunity to practice and slowly memorize the verses. But maybe my ego makes me call as well. Maybe subconsciously I'm calling because I want to hear something along the lines of "wow, that was amazing" or "you ARE the next big thing". That'd be egotistic though, so I can't be aware of that. But we can address my alleged ego in a different session.
So bottom line, I'm only going to call and rap to some folks because really.....most niggas don't give a fuck about anything I do rap wise, nothing will matter until I'm on and shit, I guess. For obvious reasons. THIS IS NOT A SHOT AT ANYONE!! I'm just speaking my peace. It ain't ya'll fault, it's mine, I had the wrong idea is all. Peace!

Performance at Sander's Theatre

Musical Depression

Today I was bummed out on some shit. I had to take a nap and everything. Sucks when you're down and you feel like there's no immediate thing you can do to revert it. Y'all might think of me as a big baby and shit but...my music got me down today. I was slouched in my chair looking at the door like... "am I EVER going to blow?" I start thinking about the little shit, like...choruses, hooks, and vocal presentation. It drives me mad! Then I start thinking about what beats I like. Do I even know? and if so will other's like 'em? Should I even care about what other's think? Logically I should, since they would be the one's buying my shit. But then you don't want to cross that fine line between versatiliy and conformity, between being well rounded and sacrificing artistic integrity.

I wrestled with these thoughts for a good half hour, and then eventually it exhausted me to the point where I said "fuck it, I'ma go lie down". I was lieing there looking at the cieling and just slipping deeper and deeper into "madness" due to my thoughts and thoughts of my thoughts. I felt heavy till eventually...I fell asleep. I woke up still bummed out till I ate something.

Came back to the room like.."Fuck what I was thinking earlier, let me not worry about all that right now, let me just concentrate on trying my best, I'm alright" I felt good and shit, but occasionally...them feelings come up.

Don't sue me for having musical insecurities.

So...I am nuts. =]

My girlfriend thinks I'm a lunatic. She thinks I have multiple personalities. I think she's right, actually. Lol. It's like I have multiple characters sharing a home in my one brain and they sometimes make their appearance in a tourettes-like fashion.
For starters!: there's the overtly ignorant thug, there's the really flamboyantly gay guy, there's the adolescent teenage girl and there's the silently aggressive psychopath, just to name a few, and supplemented Joker impersonations follow suit.
So, I ask myself if I have control over this. I'm often asked to stop but it seems like I can't. It scares me a little bit, now that I think about it...
Am I ok? Oh well! Being a weird ass, multi-personalitied person is what makes me me. =] Irony.

So-called relationships =]

How can one judge a so-called "good" or "strong" relationship. Some people base it purely off of the numbers. That doesn't necessarily prove anything. Two people can stay together
despite hating each other. Correct? I think it's a combination. That couple that argues one minute but gets right back to boo loving? They shows relationship strength. Me and my girl fight from time to time, often over dumb shit, but within a few hours things are all good again. I love this. It gives me a certain feeling of confidence in us. We been going at it for about 9 months now and...it still seems like things are mad fresh. There are never any stale moments between us.
On some real shit, it seems too...fanciful to be happening. It's because of this apparent bliss I can say our relationship is a good one. And because of our "fight-makeup" capabilities I dub us a strong couple as well. So what more could you ask for? I'm not writing this to be all mushy or some shit, I'm just throwing out some real thoughts. I feel like she holds me
down. (Positive thing. Lol.)
My relationships that have been "successful" to some degree all had one common thread. I felt as if I had a real home base within the girl, I could go to bed sure that my significant other was out there in her crib harboring deep love for me. With Miss J. I get that and then some.

She often questions if I'm in love with her. It's understandable, I guess, because it's a term so loosely thrown around now a days. My thing is this, the feeling of "being in love" is exactly what it is, a feeling. I can't describe it to you, baby. I just feel it. If I'm not believed it's cool, I guess.
Iight, I'ma leave it riiiiiiight...there. =]
~Saz.E~

I Wish I Had an Album Coming. Lol

If all goes well and my first album is titled Underneath the (insert color) Umbrella wouldn't this be perfect promo for it?! Lol.

Harvard Experience Day 3:

Just some videos from my open mic performance. =]

Good

I feel good... =]

Aspirations

Sometimes I kick back and listen to instrumentals and start spittin some shit to 'em. Then I take a break from being Saz.E rapping Saz.E's lyrics, and re-become Osa listening to Saz.E's lyrics. I think I'm a talented guy or whatever when it comes to that whole..."I write and perform lyrics" shit, I'm pretty damn good. So..then I start thinking again, how exactly can I let the world in on my abilities? How can I make something of all this, all these lyrics, all these schemes?
The thing is...I don't even know. It seems that there's no sure fire method of becoming "poppin'". You know? There's no formula to follow. I look around and see all these young guys doing there thing, Drake and the XXL class of '09 and shit and I want that. I want the covers, the features on people's songs, the google results, the legions of fans. I want that status. I want to transcend just rap shit, I want multiple genre lovers to love me.
Let me get the grammys, let me get the number one sales opening week, let me get all that and more. But most importantly...I want to keep my integrity over the course of gaining all that. So...let Saz.E pop. I started working out a master plan with my good friend, and...I want to actually write it down and shit. So umm....I've got some years before I die. I shall try my best. Pray for me.

Underneath the Red Umbrella

We title it..."George Clooney"- Skillz & Saz.E

Me and my guy, Skillz doing our thing on this old Gorillaz beats. This is...last summer shit? Yea! Last summer. Enjoy. He starts it off.

George Clooney.mp3 - FTD

Heartbreak

I was recently asked why I seem to love writing about heartbreak,
and failed relationships.
The weird thing is...I don't know. Thoughts on the topic just often hit my brain up and I jot down the thoughts.
I often like to write to give people things to relate to. One issue I see a lot of in my
surroundings
is failing of relationshps. I'm an outlet. But, yes. It is a complex
question because my relationship is great. I don't know.... I wish I could
ask myself

"Star" by Saz.E

Awww, I was so young. =] Early '08 shit. It's me doin' what I do on The Root's Star. I appologize for letting the beat ride out for like 2 minutes. lol.

Star.mp3 - Saz.É

Hollywood Divorce

(I wrote this shit when I was in the library. For some strange reason I began to think that I'll lose my...gift if I let all this reading and shit cloud my brain. Lol. So...while I was listening to "Hollywood Divorce" by Outkast I took it upon myself to write to the beat, just to keep me on my toes. =] Enjoy)

Hollywood Divorce

I used to love her...she used to share the same the same thoughts
Don't know what happened...but pain became the main course...
...at love's dinning room table
I'm able...
...to say it wasn't all bad, at least all the time.
And you painted me out to be the borderline...
...worst person in the world, which is horrifyin'
Well..ok... I guess that ain't completely the opposite of true
but if the topic isn't you...
...you'd flip out
you want to be the center of the universe.
you'd turn bitch if I ever put the music first
But honey this is my life style
You don't want to fit inside my life style
so I'm like "wow"
Time to bow...
..out off the stage and the crowd want they money back
well, I kind of want my honey back
the girl I met three years ago
here's a one way ticket out my life, here ya go
Then you start screamin', yellin' in public
Saying I'm no longer the man you fell in love with
Saying you can find much better than me so fuck this
Saying every time we touched you felt nothin'
Well, I guess the end of us could be a good thing
and this chapter closin' on my love life could bring
... some time to myself...
...to figure out what I want
I won't front
I don't even know.

Harvard Experience: Day 2

Sooo...today was my second day of class. But....it was bigger than that. Today was my first day commuting on the train/subway line. As I predicted...the boy got lost. lol. I waisted money on tickets and shit. I'll be good next week though. I got into Harvard sqare around 8:30. I hit up the starbucks and checked out the book store. Oh! Open mic next tuesday..I'm in there. =] I went to the library and...it's one of the most beautiful buildings I've ever been in. Saucey as fuck! I would have taken pics but...the sign said no pics allowed. I went to class and class was cool as always.

I have a task for you. Define what a chair is.
Oh, I got lost after class too on the train/subway line again. FML. I'll be cool though. It actually didn't rain in Boston today. The sun brightened my day =] Oh! and I wrote two brand new verses while in the library....just trying to keep Saz.E's skills sharp! IIght, check back in later. Deauces

Harvard Experience: Day 1

Sooo....today I had my first day of philosophy at Harvard University, I'm in the summer program and all. It was cool, my professor is Aundreas Teuber . We discussed the "trolley problem" (I'll explain below) today. and we also learned about the principle of double effect: if something is a bi-product of an intended action than it can be justified. Wow...this is all just the tip of the iceberg. Let's get it poppin!
Class was like 3 hours, I got lost on my way there. lol. Harvard is like one small town. Ahhh, there's so much opportunity here, I need to find time to take pics. Two things I'm worried about: taking the train and finding a good barbershop. lol. Oh yea, I hope all this work (AP Lit, Drama, and Harvard) don't kill me. =] I miss Jersey though.

Trolly Problem:

You are the driver of a trolly (train type shit) and your breaks fail. There are 5 workers on the track, the walls are too high for them to escape. There is one worker on the safety track to the right, this track can be accessed by pulling a lever. Do you let the trolly kill the 5 workers, or pull the lever and kill the one worker on the safety track? There's multiple varriants on this scenario.

D.O.A (Death of Autotune)

I Really Like This Song

School Day-1

Ugh, the school day is about to start and shit. Honestly I'm really over this year. Junior year was tough and all but productive. Let's get this Harvard summer right. Any way, school is a lot more than education. I spend a lot of time people watching, observing and shit. So... the thing I don't quite get is why shit is the way it is. Why is it the girls ONLY flock to the so-called fly niggas as opposed to chaps with bright futures? Why do dudes only aim for the girls with the assets, and let this be known....yet mami's still want to rock with them. Lol. I wish I could see what makes them tick, read they mind and shit but....I can't. I have more thoughts on all this but um...I can't remember them all at this time. Haha. But yea, I'll check back in.
~Saz.E~

The Start Up =]

So umm...in this new internet age, I decided to start a blog myself. Hello, folks. The name is Saz.E.Any way. I'm an artists, aspiring at least. I just need a chance. You feel me? It's hard because EVERYBODY raps now. Lol. Oh well. I like my odds, so..it's what ever, pay attention!! I'll keep you posted and all.